Wednesday, April 27, 2005

At Least it Isn't Raining

Well it's been one of those days again. You know, those days where you want nothing more than to get up go straight to all you classes, staring at your shoes (or flip Flops in my case) with the hope that no one will disturb you, and you can just get it over with and go back to bed. (I haven't been sleeping well lately, so my normal daydreaming during class has shifted from heroics to much longed-for naps)But NO, I get up once again half strangled by bedsheets that weren't any where near me the night before and to see my roomie smothered in other articles from my bedding that I must have kicked on her in the night. I awake singing Step by Step in attempt to ward off the vampiric bunnies of my nightmares ( don't ask) as if my roomie didn't already have enough evidence to send me to an asylum already. I go to chapel, where an old man makes wise cracks about all the other old people on campus, and then, dare I mention it, makes us all stand up and sing Oh, What A Beautiful Morning, as if this weren't ironic enough the boy in front of me clotheslines me as I get up to flee chapel and the Oklahoma screeching octegenarian. No way to try to laugh that off in front of 4,000 of your peers. It made me happy once again that Harding must assimilate its entire campus together everymorning. Finally off to psych class. Luckily, I beat everyone there because right as I started up the bottom of the stairs, I blacked-out, not a common experience for me. I dropped my books my bag, and came out of it as my shin slammed against the corner of a step. I wanted to scream so many things that could get me thrown out of school here. I ended up at the bottom of the stairs surrounded by my books. I held back the tears and quickly grabbed my stuff and limped up the stairs before any one could see me. My leg still is swollen where the bruise formed. From there I went to the library where upon entering the alarms went off and the librarian had to search my bag. It was an old book I had from Acu but she still insisted on scanning my bible just in case it was contraband as well. I decided to just leave. I was a little tired of her making me walk back through the scanner things. I went to my last class where we had to work in groups and be a mission team and form a budget. The one guy in my group kept insisting that he was married to both of us girls in the group and then wouldnt let it go. This is the only class where I have a perfect hundred. I wasn't about to let him ruin it. I finally just yelled, "I'm not living with you in the same house, I'm not marrying you!" to which the class got very silent. I can just hear the rumors flying as I sit. Any way. It just got worse from there. I spent most of my afternoon pretending that I have stuff to do in the room but really I know I'm just hoping my ex will call. And then it just makes me feel worse realizing how lame I am.
But in the words of the very wry woman I got in a wreck with at least it isn't raining. Optimistic you think? I did too. But sometimes it just takes a while to see the silver lining. At a Hospice event I ran smack into the other lady I was in the car wreck with (I'm cursed I tell you) she said that it was so surreal for her because she could have made it past my car completely but for some reason even though she had the gas pedal to the floor, her car wouldn't moved. She said,"I thought and thought about that and I couldn't understand why it happened until later. I really think God had me there at just the right time for you, because when you lost control of your car and spun into mine, my car pushed yours back towards the road. You see you weren't stopping, just speeding up, and if you hadn't of hit my car, you would have ran right into the tree in the median." That is a big Oak tree people. And my airbags were definatly not activated. So I guess I can be glad that today it wasn't raining.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a whimper.

This has just recently become a favorite quote for me. School is wrapping up, things are ending. My first year of college is done. Relationships are ending all over campus. My friends are taking trips to Walmart not just to hangout any more, but to collect boxes to pack. My first year was amazing.
A friend and I were sitting under a bridge we like to visit, talking yesterday. We discussedhow mauchwe'd been through this year. HOw different things ended from our expectations. How much wegrew in so little time, and how little we felt we had learned. It all happened so imperceptabliy we never saw change happen most of the time. And he was worried of what next year would bring. Big changes happen so slowly you don't even notice. And things don't usually end with fireworks. This is how the world ends, not with a bang but with a whimper. -T.S. Elliot

Monday, April 25, 2005

Why doesn't doing the right thing make you feel better?

You know why I think most people cry at funerals? This is taken from the perspective of a christian funeral of course, but I think it is because they miss the person. They know things are better the way they are but they still miss the person and they don't know what to do now that they are gone. Every plan you made involving them is shattered and somehow isn't worth doing without them there. And even in the midst of everyone who loves you, you still feel like the loneliest person in the world. You want to be held, but the only person you want to hold you isn't there to do it anymore. And you feel so lost and so confused and so alone and so scared of what life will be without them that you cry , but even that doesn't help because the person who usually comforted you isn't there. You're told that things just happen like that sometimes but that doesn't comfort you. You want to know why. It seems so unfair. You go over every memory in your head and all of them that seemed so tainted are suddenly so golden again. Things that annoyed you are suddenly so endearing. And you just miss them. And you don't want to hurt anymore. Missing some one is hard when you don't have a choice in the matter. Missing someone is a thousand times worse when you choose to miss them. You doubt yourself. You wonder if it's your fault and you wonder if you really have the strength to do it. Things aren't as simple as they used to be. I don't feel any better for having done what was best.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Must be above line to ride __

Ever come to those moments in your life when your immaturity is once more thrust upon you? It was really simple when I was younger because in my imaturity I was expected to try to act older. I just should've grown out of that by now I guess. With what little wisdom I have acquired over the years I realize that coming to terms with how immature I still really am, means making changes in my life that are harder than trying to be older than I am. What is the appeal of something forbidden that makes us want it even more? Pride?
I don't want to change, yet at the same time I do. I hate the whirlwind that comes with every change you make. The uncertainty of what will happen. The knowledge that not everything will be OK, but when compared to the common good, it's the price you must pay. I would much rather get myself dizzy in a world of fireworks and circuses than face up to the change that must inevitably occur in me so that I can be mature enough for what I want. And I hate the irony. The idea that by giving up what I can't have now but so desperatly want, I might gain the maturity to have it. But by then its already gone, something diffferent is presented in it's stead.
I guess really, that it is just the fear of the unknown because over all, with all the times I have changed I have always in the end been satisfied. But thats easy to acknowledge right now before I've taken the leap. God will take care of everything. I won't be alone, but even with that knowledge I'm afraid. It's like when I was little and my parents kept trying to teach me to swim. They'd always try to reassure me that it was ok because they were jumping with me. I always wanted to say, "Yeah but you already know how. You've done it before."
Yikes! there's the phone. Guess it's time to go.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Sorry, I'm dumping you for my imaginary friend...

It's been a long day. I spent most of it fighting with my boyfriend up until he made a point of saying, "I'm just in college, I'm not going to be as responsible or mature as you want yet. That takes time and you have to be patient with me. You're asking a lot of me all at once." This last sentence struck a chord.
I worked with my dad on my car over spring break and he mentioned the same thing saying,"sometimes I think you ask alot of the people who you're in relationships with." I didnt undertand really what he meant by that. I had never noticed it. I asked one of my old boyfriends tonight if he thought I expected alot from him when we were dating and he said at the time no, but looking back yeah, he just really believed that it was his fault for not being able to be all of that. I never wanted to make him feel inadequate, I never realized I was doing that.
I've been in so many relationships that never worked out, and always because I ended them. I could never figure out why I never seemed to find the right guy. And even more frustrating, why I had been with so many great guys and it didn't work. I had this image of this perfect guy that I thought someone would be someday. I forget sometimes that Christ is the only perfect man. I owe several guys an apology I think. Two especially, and I'm thankful theyve put up with me for so long.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Hindsight's 20/20

That may be so but quotes like that do little good for the blind person who's just stumbled over a cliff.
I'm 19 today. I feel kinda old even though I know I'm not. I've been so blessed this past year. And God has been gracious enough to give me back a gift that I so mindlessly cast away. An opportunity to have back a friendship unlike any other I've ever had. I blew it last semester. I've regretted it ever since. So many times I wished I could back things up and make a different decision but the damage was already done. This friend is one of the best things about Harding. I can't imagine things here without him. So when I had to try it made life here pretty crummy. Ever had a friend that you could be yourself comepletly around? Who you could tell anything and who always made you feel valuable? Who you spent most of your free time with and when you weren't together then you though about stuff to tell them about when you finally were again? Who is interested in the same things you are, and will drop everything to just come sit with you when he knows your feeling lonely? I did. Seeing him made may days better, made me want to be better. He is a christian I can look up to. A loyal and trustworthy friend. I wish I had been that to him. He has so many smiles, but one especially where his eyes crinkle up that forces you to feel the same joy. I've missed him every day. After I messed things up, I couldnt listen to Coldplay or Simon and Garfunkel. Old huants like the library and art gallery just depressed me. I would sometimes go out to a bridge we used to go to and pray that we might be friends like we used to be again. Friends like him are rare. People like him are rare. How could I have been so stupid? He's the only person that i've felt comfortable singing around.
We had a good talk today. I want so badly to be that friend again, and I think he's willing to give me the chance. I won't screw this up again. I want to make him smile like that again. Talking to him today has made this birthday wonderful. People don't mistake what truly matters to you. Appreciate the blessings you have. And always be mindful of the people in your life who truly love you because losing them means losing part of yourself.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Curse of Womankind

GENESIS 3:16 - "Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you."

I've often wondered if the role of a woman was more equal before this point. Going to a christian college verses like this are thrown at us girls all the time. We hear about our role as a woman and our duty as a wife and mother, regardless if we are even at that point in our lives yet. Yet being the key word because it is still a widely held belief here that it is our christian duty to become these things.
This verse when applied to me has another meaning. My desire would be "to be" my husband not "for" him. Or more accuratley to be a man. Don't get me wrong, I love being a woman. I like the abilities my body has and the close relationships that come so easily with overly emotional and mothering beings. Granted, I've never known anything else. But since I was very small i've always wanted to be a missionary, and honestly thats probably because its the closest i can ever come to being a preacher. It is so frustrating to me to see the guys at school here who have this wonderful oppurtunity given to them alone by God and they won't even take the time to learn their bibles. I know so many girls who could speak better than them because its their talent but their audience is restricted. I can't tell you how many lessons i've written for guys who are unsure of what to write or speak on and while I dont want glory form being able to give it myself, I don't understand why, if I'm the one who constructed the sermon I can't give it. I can speak to the audience that's been alloted to me without complaint, I just would feel less frustrated if less men took for granted what they have an inherent right to do, simply for the sake of having a penis. (Maybe Freud had something there on penis envy)
God made me a woman for a reason. So I will do my duty as such. I need to trust his plan more. THere is a reason for all the previous writing. The other day I was discussing with some fellow "girl-bible majors" (yes we are considered our own breed here at school:
1.) We are assumed to be avid-feminists
2.) Very few non-bible majors will date us because they are intimidated
3.) All the guy bible majors think they should date us because we would be the ideal wife for them, however this does not usually work because both groups have different ideas of what and where they want to be in the church
4.) Girls too are intimidated by us, which in turn leaves us with the option of restricting majority of our friends to the guy bible majors, who dont usually want to be just friends
5.) We tend to only discuss doctrinal issues with guy bible majors, or maybe just guys)
the 5th thing mentioned. We noticed we tend to only talk to guys about the bible. It's not that we are purposely excluding the girls but we feel like they won't always know what we're talking about. My theory on this is, because guys have majority of the leadership roles in the church, girls today seem to be less inclined to search scripture for themselves, because the guys will just spoon feed them any way. That or maybe it also relates back to the beginning. Alot of us girl bible majors struggle with the fact that we are girls. Pride is something we will have to struggle with for the rest of our lives I think. I feel like if i'm not careful this thought is just going to go in cirlces. Who knows? Too tired to think about it anymore.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

What Lies Beneath

I went to Heber Springs after working at Habitat for Humanity this morning. It was a beautiful day, the drive is almost as great as jumping off the cliff into the water. There used to be a town under that Lake back in the 1800's. It's still there. The lake flooded the place. Scooba divers go under and delve into the carcass of that old soggy town, viewing the left behind tombstones that still reside quite peacefully beneath the water.Its so odd to me that this little ghost town is now enjoyed by college students and the over worked middle class of Heber's current demograph.
I stood on the edge of the cliff trying to get the nerve up to jump in. My roomie went before me (I hate jumping alone). After resurfacing she said, "You know, it's not the fall that scares me, it's whats beneath."I paused for a moment and took in my current situation. I wanted someone down there to help me but guy 1 left after he saw that guy 2 and his friends were there. Guy 2 encouraged me and tried to lead by example but he didnt wait in the water for me after he jumped. And it frustrated me because I knew that if guy 3 was there, he would be in the water saying," I promise you Kat, just jump and i'll be here to pull you above the water after you do. I would never let anything happen to you." Candy's right. It's not the fall that scares you, it's whats beneath, or lack thereof.
I'm lucky. My God has provided a vast network of people who are always there to catch me when I fall. No matter how far away.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Porch Swing Love

I spend my favorite pert of every summer in Amarillo with my grandparents. Every evening after supper all of us would go outside and sit on the porch swings and watch the stars. ( At least until my grandfather got West Nile) It's my favorite part of every day. I love watching the two of them on the swing holding hands, trading light conversation about their day or reminiscing over their pasts. I often wonder what they did to create a love like that. It seems so simple. Was it an effort of years of hard times. Or was it some magical sort of connection. Was there ever one who got away? What did they go through to find each other? What made the other one worth finally spending your life with? What were their expectations about love or dating when they were my age? They are so smart? I know they had to of developed wisdom with age, but I still feel as though they were smarter than me at my age.
I watched them growing up and built my own grand illusions of what things would be like for me. Needless to say I was not prepared for what came. I think sometimes of all the guys I dated and why things never worked out. I met a great christian guy, but he knew how great he was too. I dated several after him and all of them were sweet guys who would do anything for me, but I couldnt bring myself to like them back. Some were too nice (yes guys there is such a thing, and yes it is a bad thing) or too mean ( i'm not a very patient person). One guy I was in a long term relationship with, he understood me, enjoyed the same things I did, had a great personality, and loved me very much, and I actually cared very much for him too, but we both had some growing up to do, and our dreams were taking us different places. Leaving him broke my hearet. Love isn't supposed to be like that. Why is it so unfair. Did my grandparents ever go through that? Do they know what it feels like? Do they ever still think about that person from time to time?
Or the guy I'm with now who I've also been with for a fairly decent length of time. I actually felt comfortable enough to tell him I loved him, and he loves me, and we share a common dream, but we don't understand eachother most of the time, why is it so unfair like that?
Why is porch-swing love so uncommon now a days. And how come when you think you have something that might frow into that, there is always one thing that tips the scales?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What Socrates Failed to Teach

Well my first year as college is almost up. I've learned alot, and classes have been pretty informative too. Really though, as with most college students, classes and the actual "college" part are just some annoying gnats you have to deal with while you're learning. When I look back on the past year I've noticed a lot that my teachers left out in class, the things i'll probably keep with me for the rest of my life:

1.) Fruitloops are all the same flavor. The years I spent picking out extra blue ones for my bwol were all meaningless. And if you can't trust the staple food of your childhood breakfasts, than what can you trust. I mean what abbout Trix? Are they in on this too?

yeah actually thats about it for now. It just really irritates me that they've gotten away with this scam for so long.