Sunday, July 31, 2005

Brighter Than Sunshine

Artist: Aqualung
Album: Still Life
Year: 2003T
itle: Brighter Than Sunshine
Print Correct
I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine and it's brighter
than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me
What a feeling in my soul

Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I love this song! Its the greatest feeling to remember what its like to feel in love after getting out of a bad relationship. One of those natural highs that nothing can seem to break through. Granted it would be nicer to actually have someone to be in love with but hey, you cant have everything. Hehe relationships can be rough, breakups even worse, but sometimes falling out of love with someone can be as great as falling in love with them, so keep your chin up.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

www.SaveMax.com

I was in abilene this weekend where my friend Gabe met me. ( GAbe= my roomie's unboyfriend(n. word used to describe a boy who was dumped but still performs all the duties of a boyfriend, also see undating, pansy,whipped, etc..), and my fellow coffee junkie, aka. dad (we'll save the explanation for another time))
He told me his parents were looking for a home for Max. (Max= Chris and I's dog from ohio.aka.Maximillian, maxi, maxi-pad. I didn't even want to get a dog and I especially didn't want to drive back to AR from OH with one. And no I didn't give him that stupid name. That was all Chris. I wanted to name him Mousilini and then call him moose for short. He is half border-collie and half Rot.) He is adorable and has to be around people. He gets lonely very quickly. Anyway when chris and I broke up he left Harding and MAx, who I couldn't possibly take care of. Gabe took him home. Now we have to find a new home for him. We are not telling Chris who would probably try to take him back. Chris is not a fit guardian. While I was teaching Max to fetch, Chris was wrapping bacon around bottles in an attempt to teach him to fetch drinks for him. He had heard of a guy who trained dogs to fetch beer and wanted MAx to be that cool too. That and he abandoned him. So if you are needing a good dog I know a great one! Indoor or outdoor. He needs his shots though.

Jean Appreciation Day

Not sure how many of you have seen writer's blog, but perhaps you noticed the description of my jeans. I can't go a day without getting a comment on those jeans if I wear them. apparently comfortable is out. Those jeans are from heaven! they are thinner than a t-shirt and very soft. So thin I'm afraid to pull to hard on the material so it won't rip. Does no one know how hard it is to break a good pair of jeans in like that? I f a dog had mange and was falling apart would you dump him in the trash and go buy a new one? I think not. Everyone needs a good pair of worn jeans. Not only for comfort but they evoke pity, which in turn evokes the need of family members to buy you new clothes. I'm a genious! MWhahahahahaha!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Kissing A Fool

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
You’ll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

Chorus:
People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So far
But please don’t take my heart

You are far
I’m never gonna be your star
I’ll pick up the pieces
To mend my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you’d love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
I said you must have been kissing a fool

Chorus
But remember this
Every other kiss
That you’ll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There’s something there
That can’t compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you’d love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

As you can tell I've recently fallen in love with music from the big band era. I could really relate to this one. Which is really more exciting than the song it self. My taste in music and art shifts with how I feel at any given moment. And lately I've been in an Atemesia Gentilleschi sort of mood. I seriously could have modeled for her depiction of Jail and Sisera, I felt so strongly about men. I'm really not a rabid feminist or anything, but I don't trust men, more then that, If I could have stomached dating, I would be very much in my Estella from Great Expectations mode. Anyway, due to a rather rocky relationship earlier this year, I seem to be battling a strong physical reaction to attentions from guys. Its rather like eating 20 bowls of chilli and then having someone punch you in the stomach. And heaven forbid they should ask for a date, because I have actually felt bile rising in my throat. Even when I was asked out by a friend I've liked for years. Really no matter how great the guy seems I couldn't seem to make myself believe it would be worth finding another crappy relationship experience. But recently I got knocked out of that mindset by a guy who told me he didn't like me as much as he once did (He's still mad at me for dating a different guy instead of him) and actually I was very relieved to hear that. Yeah, somethings wrong with my thought process there, but it works for me. Somehow him not liking me as much makes me like him more. So I guess I will date again. It doesn't bother me anymore. Ok, so I don't really understand why that makes me feel better about dating cause it was a rather sucky thing for him to say, but I'm happy to be feeling more like my old self. Well I guess I'm off to listen to some more music.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

15 year old charged in connection with shooting death

15 year old charged in connection with shooting death
By Jason Sheehan / Reporter-News Staff WriterJuly 12, 2005
Updated 2:31 p.m. A summer filled with violent crimes committed by juveniles continued Monday night when a 15-year-old boy was arrested in connection with a shooting that left an 18-year-old male dead.
Abilene Police Sgt. Kim Vickers said Stewart Jason Wofford was shot in the face just before 11 p.m. Monday. Wofford’s truck and driver’s license were registered in Stephenville, Vickers said.
The juvenile, from Abilene, is in custody in the Taylor County Juvenile Detention Center, Vickers said. He is charged with delinquent conduct by reason of having committed capital murder. Police believe the juvenile also stole Wofford’s truck.
The incident is Abilene’s fifth homicide this year. Abilene police investigated six homicides in 2004.
Police believe the shooting occurred during the course of a drug transaction in front of Ward Elementary School, 3750 Paint Brush Drive.
"The suspect walked up to the truck and shot him," Vickers said. "We have reason to believe that it was during the course of a drug transaction. I don’t have reason to believe right now that there was an altercation before the shooting took place."
Following the shooting, the suspect then climbed into the victim’s pickup truck and ordered a witness inside the truck to get out, Vickers said. The suspect then took off in the victim’s truck.
During the investigation police learned who the suspect was and where he lived, Vickers said.
Police then "got into a foot chase and caught him as he approached his apartment," Vickers said. "At the time he was taken into custody, he did have blood all over him."
Police found the suspect before finding the victim or his truck, Vickers said. Wofford’s body was found in some bushes along Rebecca Lane near Catclaw Creek, Vickers said. Wofford was pronounced dead on the scene.
Police found the victim’s truck parked in a south side residential neighborhood. Inside the truck, police found a 9 millimeter handgun police believe to be the murder weapon, Vickers said.
The suspect had a "fairly large amount" of drugs in his possession when he was arrested, Vickers said.
Monday’s shooting continued a spring and summer filled with violent acts allegedly committed by juveniles

I don't understand. 15 is so young. I'm scared of what things will be like for my kids. I'm scared for my friends in high school or junior high. The age of innocense seems to be receding. When I was in school we only had fire or tornado drills. At least till junior high where bomb threats and school shootings created new ones. It shouldn't be like this.Kids shouldn't have a friend one day only to hae the friend dissapear behind a gun barrel the next. Its days like toda where I can understand the ridicule thrown at my generation from the elderly. Where did it start? And if you think we're bad wait till you see the ones after us. I understand David's repeated question of , "How long Oh Lord?" But its scary to ask that. We aren't all bad. There's Shad who protects his friends and takes better care of them than himself. There's Kara who would shoot a human before an animal ( ok maybe not such a good example) hehe. Anyway, there are those of us out there who do care. Days like today make me disgusted with my generation. But don't write us off so quickly, we may yet suprise you.

The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit

My friend Shad lost a friend in a shooting last night. It's the most excruciating feeling ever to want to comfort someone and to be too far away to. I'm seriously contemplating heading home today. I wonder if this is how a parent feels when thier child is in pain. Listening to my friend cry this morning was enough to make me go crazy. I hate that I can't do something. How do you sit and just "be" with someone over the phone? And how do you cope not only with the loss of a friend but the reminder of how fragile mortality is. I've been to a lot of funerals growing up. But when its my own peers in the casket it adds a new element of grief. That could be me in there. Or Shad. These people didn't have a very long shot at life.
Psalm 34:18 is the verse in the heading. I was thinking this morning howGod must feel when we are in so much pain and he longs to comfort us and heal us but we've pushed him too far away. And how horrible it must be to be without him in times of trouble. People wonder where is God in times like these. Probably where we put him.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Don't Wanna Think About You

Can you leave me here
alone now
I don't wanna hear you say
That you know me
That I should be
Always doin what you say
Cuz I'm tryin to get through today
And there's one thing I know
I don't wanna think about youT
hink about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I Don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
I won't let you bring me down
Cuz I know
I don't wanna think about you
Don't wanna think about you
When I wake up here tomorrow
Things will never be the same
Cuz I won't wait
Cuz you won't change
And you'll always be this way
Now I'm gonna get through today
And there's one thing I know
I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down
Won't let you shut me out
This time I know
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
Running as fast as I can
Run awayRun away
I'll never come back again
Run away
Run away
Don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out (figure this out)
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down (bring me down)

Ever try to encourage someone only to have them discourage you? It's been a long day. I started out my day having woken up froma nightmare and spitting three mouthfulls of blood into the sink. Maybe I had a nosebleed last night? Anyway, I have too much to be thankful for in my life to allow myself to be depressed. So here's a song for you Chris. Funny how I thought I'd miss you.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

DEATH TO THE FINANCIAL AID OFFICE!!!!!!!

With the exception of my angel Mrs. Anne Guffey who is the only lady no person in that godforsaken place who is actually earning what they pay her. I doubt they pay her enough. The money she should be getting is being given to mindless drones whose brains could only serve as paper weights! At least they'd be used then! ARARRRGHHH If I send an email saying that I need to speak with a councilor because I have unfulfilled requirements on my financial aid, DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT SEND ME ANOTHER FRICKIN EMAIL TELLING ME I HAVE UNSATISFIED REQUIREMENTS!!!!!! I ALREADY KNOW!!! AHHHHHH!!!!
What is wrong with Harding anyway. They are making me pay thousands of dollars for an education yet someone on the board obviously hasn't had the bright idea of using that money to hire competent staff members! I should drop out and get a job at Harding. I mean how hard could it be.
Their nurses for example: all I have to do is take blood pressure, check their ears and throat, take a temperature. Then I can prescribe one of our four cure-all medications. Benedryl, drammamine, asprin, and vicks cough syrup. Oh and if they aren't traditionally used to treat your illness then I will just up the dosage. Oh but wait! I can no longer give out benedryl because students might make meth with it. So I will refer you to a REAL doctor, which is really what you should do in the first place. I mean the nurses office served no purpose other than getting large amounts of Benedryl to make Meth with. WHERE ARE THESE CRACK HEADS AND WHY AREN'T THEY WORKING IN THE NURSES OFFICE??????

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Pressing On

I think we're going somewhere
we're onto something good here
out of mind, out of state
trying to keep my head on straight
i think we're going somewhere
we're onto something good here
there is only one thing left to do
drop all i have and go with you
somewhere back there i left my worries all behind
my problems fell out of the back of my mind
we're going and i'm never knowing
(never knowing) where we're going
to go back where i was will just be wrong
i'm pressing on pressing on,
all my distress is going going gone
(pressing on, pressing on)
and i won't sit back
and take this anymore
cause i'm done with that
i've got one foot out the door
and to go back would just be wrong
i'm pressing on
i think we're going somewhere
we're on to something good here
out of mind out of state
trying to keep my head on straight
i think we're going somewhere
we're on to something good here
adversity, we get arond it
searched for joy, in you i found it
you look down on me, but you don't look down on me at all
you smile and laugh, and i feel the loveyou have for me
i think we're going somewhere
we're on to something good here
and we're gonna make it after all.

here's my day in a nut shell. Once again God has continued to bless me even after all my unfaithfulness. So I'm happy to be closer to him. I'm happy and I'm tired and I'm going.

An Explosive Fourth

Well yesterday was another great fourth all in all. Its hard not to enjoy a holiday that lets you blow things up. We had caregroup last night too. My grandparents are very active in their church and in an effort to support their endeavors I invited M. to come join the caregroup as he was not currently active in one. Unfortunatly, I spent the whole night trying to stay away from him. I despise guys that think they can hug, tickle, scratch my back, or generally invade my personal space with out my permission. To make matters worse, I have an 8 year old shadow that never gives me a moment to myself. Yeah she's adorable but that only goes so far. So if I wasn't trying to escape M. then I was trying to escape my shadow and they would never be together. So I couldn't run inside cause M. was there. AndI couldn't stay outside cause my shadow was there. In the end I decided I'd rather take on the 8-year old as she's not as likely to ask me out. Any way my friend Eric saw how irritated I was and tried to keep M. off my back. While I was fixing a plate for my shadow he asked if I wanted him to pretend we had a thing going to keep M. off my back. My shadow had just asked if there was cheese. So I said yes, and got her some. As the night progressed I noticed Eric kept putting his arm around my waist or shoulder and was generally making me uncomfortable. I finally went inside to get a drink and my shadow asked if my boyfriend would let her light a roman candle. I was a little taken aback. I explained that I didn't have a boyfriend for very good reasons. Tonight being a prime example. She pointed out what Eric had said while I was fixing her plate. My relief that Eric was not a complete pig was pretty short lived. I mean this could have bad conseqences. If the guy I actually do like hears about it at church he will be livid that I am "dating" one of his good friends. However "breaking up" with Eric would be difficult as he and M. were paling around. And in the midst of all this my friend Randy keeps walking up behind me and putting his hand on my shoulder because he has watched all of this progress and likes watching me jump every time he does it. Any way I went back out side and while I was debating on how to end this whole mess. M. asks Eric and I if we want to go shooting with him some time this week (Yes welcome to Texas) a very tempting offer. Both of the guys in a secluded area and me with a gun... sigh... but I declined as I felt my grandparents would be disappointed in me shooting up their care group. ( I don't see why I couldn't pick off two of the little ones, people would hardly notice) . My shadow ran up and asked me to spin her. I did but I tripped and she landed on her back on top of my leg. Naturally she started bawling and screaming "my back!" which made me consider taking her along to go shooting with the guys. I hate drama queens.We didn't even fall that hard. I picked her up and sat her on my knee and she started wailing, "My back! I think its broken!" And naturally as every girl does when she has just slammed someone's child into the ground, I started cracking up. I'm sure her parents thought i was horrible but I couldn't help it. It had been such a crazy night and I needed a good laugh. Well I took her inside to get some ice (I'm not completly heartless you know) and then we went outside and finished off the firecrackers. And I had a pretty good time. I'll straigten the guys out out Wednesday. Nothing like shooting Roman candles at people to relieve stress. ( Of course the fireman in our midst put a stop to that pretty quickly) (You know, Mema and Pepa really should have told me their as a fireman in-cog-nito in our midsts.) Hope everyone had a great 4th!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

CHAPTER XVII
Concerning Cruelty And Clemency, And Whether It Is Better To Be Loved Than Feared


Therefore a prince, so long as he keeps his subjects united and loyal, ought not to mind the reproach of cruelty; because with a few examples he will be more merciful than those who, through too much mercy, allow disorders to arise

Sounds reasonable in its own sick way. Machavelli must have been a master at making you see things his way despite you present knowledge that his thinking is fundamentally flawed. Perspective is a double edged sword and while I believe thereare many shades of gray, I also believe that we justify ourselves in that logic.

It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with.

Did this guy marry? I find it hard to believe that any self respecting woman would put up with him for long. One of my friends said once that the biggest attribute they wanted in a person was a heart that wasn't afraid to love. I don't know that there are many people like that out there.


men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.

I don't view it like that. Yeah love can be abused. It does have a ring of vulontary enslavement attached to it, but when its reciprocated its well worth it. I was struck today by how blessed I have been the past few weeks. I'm living in a place where people actually care about what you say. When you mention that you are struggling they don't apologize and go off to work on some personal agenda, they help. My grandmother started a box of cooking ware for me at college so that I would have something now that I have a kitchen. She didn't even ask. She went out and copied some cookbooks for me. And everyonce and a while I open the box and notice always, that there is something new. Tupperware, or a spatula. And know, its just a spatula right? But its more. She actually listened to a passing comment I made. She actually cared enough about me to help me. Irregardless of wether I needed it or not. And she expects nothing in return. And she continually restores my faith in love not being lipservice.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Happy Anniversary

How do I collect my thoughts
they fall as quickly as my tears
and crush the walls I've built
to keep from feeling you

But I feel you strongly now
you've played your part
so take your bow
and let my curtain descend

It's not O.K. to just walk out
you're caving in
or is it me
beneath this sea of memories

But I feel you strongly now
you've played your part
so just get out
it's too late
to pretend
that i'm ok

Which is harder really? To stop loving someone or to stop hating them?