Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Straight To The Heart

When I’m down
when my soul’s in need of rest
Come your words
of comfort and of hope
I see your face
always smiling back at me
A stream of light
shining straight to the heart

Child of god, child of light
There’ll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life

There’s a road
that leads me to this place
A path of love
running straight to the heart

Over the years
I’ve learned one important thing
It’s that real friends
shall never truly be apart
You were there
in my darkest time of need
With a hand
reaching straight to the heart

Child of god, child of light
There’ll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life

Take this gift,
it is all I have to give
A prayer of love forever straight to the heart

We went over the whole "Satan's lies" bit today in class. It was nerve wracking because if one of the list applied to you you had to stand up, then raise your hand for every one after that. My teacher says that by sharing these hurts and such we take away thier power over us. Not sure about that. Maybe. But when class was done I felt like someone had run my heart over a cheese grater a couple of times. I am so happy here at Harding that I very rarely think of those old hurts like I used to. They are so far away from me now and I take for granted how nice it is to feel unburdened. I used to listen to this song alot during the really rough parts of my life. There were so many days where I wondered where God was and why he didn't help me when I cried for it so much. It's hard when we can't see the big picture the way he can. God has a wonderful way of taking a bad situation and using it for his glory. It wasn't till years later that someone suggested that God was there the whole time hurting with me. It's probably the most comforting thing I've ever heard. Just to have someone understand, to hurt with you. Some one who cared and who loved you and mostly to know that you are never alone when you have God. I think of the hurricane victems and I feel horrible for letting something as silly as a bad test or something bring me down. I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Here's my Christian Home homework. We have this book with a bunch of lists. I actually really like the class so far. its kinda ironic cause I just read Ram's blog about our thoughts and how you can't escape them. Today's list: Satan's thinking traps to mess up your life:

1.) This is just the way I am, I can't change. ( idon't struggle with this one as much any more, but it used to be one of my favorite cop outs.)
3.) I can't be happy unless people like me. (hmm this next part will seem a bit contradictory to my nature, I find myself to preoccupied with peoples opinion of me, but I'd eat liver before I ever let them know it.)
5.) I don't need anybody. (I still have to fight this one alot. You only get rejected so many times before you start to protect yourself from it)
6.) Strong women don't show emotion. (Yeah this ones a little hard to pull off being a girl and all, it would be more accurate to say that there are times where I take very drastic measures to ensure that no one can tell how I really feel)
7.) Strong women don't ask for help. (Part of the I don't need anybody complex)
8.) Only wimps admit weakness. ( thought I have recently begun to fight this one, The words, "be strong" were like a chant I heard a lot when I was little. I guess it worked at the time, but it led me to believe that it wasn't o.k. to cry, or feel the way I felt.)
11.) Nobody loves me, nobody would want to. ( I picked this one up pretty early and It was partly responsible for my impulsive dating life in high school.)
13.) I can work hard enough to prove or earn my value. ( I continue to learn this one the hard way, did I mention that I come form a family of freakin geniuses?)
14.) I have to do everything perfect or no one will accept me. ( I first noticed this thinking by being a preachers kid. Note to everyone out there, preachers kids are no more perfect than your own rotten kids, just more skilled at covering up our infringments)
22.) God can't forgive my past. ( i think anyone who has ever struggled with their faith has thought this. multiple times. We are a stupid race huh?)

Well those are the only ones I really relate to. lol But I guess whats nice to realize is that I can change how I think. And God helps me to daily.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Royal Flush

Song: What if?

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don´t want me there by your side
That you don´t want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poet or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don´t want me there by your side
That you don´t want me there in you life

Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right
Let´s take a breath, try to hold it inside
Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right
How can you know it, if you don´t even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That´s the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don´t want me there in your life
That you don´t want me there by your side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right
Let´s take a breath, try to hold it inside
Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right
How can you know when you don´t even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that´s right

Well, I took probably the first big risk I ever have in any relationship before. I never expected to get a second chance so I guess I'm still a little in shock. ( Relax dad... I'm not talking about Chris) I told lucas how I felt about him last night, kinda... actually he read one of my latest entries in my blog. Even though everything has turned out well I'm still a little nervous, honestly I'm suprised Lucas isn't more afraid than he seems to be letting on. Dating is scary. But he is a really great guy and one of the few that I can honestly say I will never have to worry about treating me badly. Oh and dad? remember how last semester you told me that if a guy really cared about me, he would be willing to give me some time, and not date? Well lucas is perfectly o.k. with that. Ya , i know I'm really giddy, and this entry probably doesn't make any sense but thats ok. Its been a really good day. Nerve wracking but good. I guess what I'm really excited about is that LUcas still liked me, its been almost a year, and I don't deserve it after the way I treated him. hmmm, I think I'll go to bed I'm rambling. Night everyone.

Laying Your Hand Down

Well thats my day in a nutshell. One huge poker match. Wish I were better at card games. I feel very exposed presently. I hate the feeling you get when you open up completely, but I think sometimes maybe its better to know where you stand so you can know what to do next. Plus then you can stop agonizing. sigh...rough day.

But tommorrow will be better. I can't really complain, I have been so greatly blessed by God. I know that whatever the results of today are I will only be blessed in them whether I see it at the time or not.

Did I ever mention I have the coolest roomie ever? I do and she's dead asleep and I'd hate to wake her up. so time to go.

Dad I will test message you my room number tomorrow morning. I love you and the blonde lots. Tell mom I love her too please , and sorry I havent called more.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A quick Update

THought I'd give you a quick update dad/kara, other miscellaneous viewers... Sorry I haven't called home yet. I am so dead tired. But student Impact has rocked. I love my fellow group leaders (Gabe, Candy, Amy, and Lucas) and all my freshmen Impact kids. My groups is one of the few groups who was able to keep their kids coming back to the meetings. And my group won a slot in the slide show for our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes which were amazing. I'll send some pics home.
I 've met a lot of new people and God has answered so many of my prayers. For example my greek class was divided into two because there were too many students and I was dissappointed because I'd rearranged my schedule to be in that class with Lucas because we always take our last class of the day together so we can just go hang out after. But I found out that Lucas and I are still in the same class together. Yea! And even more exciting, I have the easiest statistics class teacher on campus (or so I;ve heard) She gives open notes quizes and whatnot so there may be a sliver of hope for me in that class.
As for the guy update:

CHRIS: hmmm... We are "friends" kinda, its pretty shaky, but he's had kinda a crappy return to school and he needs a friend. We don't hang out too much, mostly just IM each other. So I can be a good friend and listen but do it from afar.There's still some attraction there for him BUT...(breathe, dad, breathe) despite his promises to change and such if I give him yet another chance, I told him today he shouldn't wait on me and start dating other people. Personally i've decided a break from dating period will be great.

ANTHONY: hmm (my amusement park friend) well we haven't hung out too much. I've been really busy plus I thought he should meet some new people. I think he needs to date around some and see what is out there. We can still be great friends. We did hang out a little tonight cause he told me he had been bored and hadn't been doing much of anything the last couple of days. He's a really sweet guy he just needs some help meeting people, so I think I'll work on that a bit.

LUCAS: yeah...what can I say? I really like him still and Candy says everyone knows it but if everyone knows it then that includes Lucas and if he knows and isn't doing anything about it then that can't be a good sign. A little dissappointing, but I couldn't ask for a better friend.

Well thats about it. the devos rock. the food sucks. And I've been thinking of you guys even if I haven't called. Especially you dad, I miss you tons, and I hope you know how much I really do love you. I thought about that today during church and I wished I'd told you more while I was home.I still want to be just like you when I grow up (hehe)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Class Reunion

Our first class reunion
and we're gathered in the church
The pews are packed and silent
And my stomach begins to lurch

I don't understand it
No I don't understand
And how are we pretending
we aren't missing an old friend?

We're singing some old church hymns
But I can't seem to talk
and we're paying our respects now
when I can barely walk

And I don't understand it
No I don't understand
and my resolve is melting
I begin to miss my friend

And now we are all crying
before our once too cold peers
But we're here for somthing bigger
and we cannot stem the tears

And I don't understand it
He was so young to die
and this is no class reunion
Cause we came to say goodbye

Monday, August 08, 2005

Till Kingdom Come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait,
you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I heard you laugh,
I heard you sing
And I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
Say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

My favorite song by Coldplay. My uncle broke up with his girl firend. I had a chance to talk to both of them today. I'm kinda dissappointed at how things turned out. They were good for each other, and they really liked each other. But they both have been in horrible relationships and now they have bad trust issues. My uncle is afraid of comittment, so he broke it off after 7 months. They are both angry and hurt, and miss each other, but too scared to fix this. My uncle believes he is ruined, that he can'tchange. He pretends not to care about anything. He even laughs at how stupid some of the suicides he's witnessed as a cop are. But then he comes home for the weekend and it takes him almost a day and a half before he can take all of the horrible things he's seen off his mind. I talked to my uncle for a while tonight about his ex and such. Finally I just asked him if he was ever afraid of instead of regretting a bad relationship , regretting that he let go of something good. He didn't answer. He pointed out that shed said a lot of mean things. I pointed out that she was looking for a reason to hate him and that he'd led her on for 7 months. He asked why she didn't just hate him for that and asked if it was over why was she so mad? I told him that she had more faith in him than he did, and that it was never over for her, he was the one who ended it when she wouldve been willing to give him time. He said it didn't matter she said she was done. I told him how shed told me tonight that she still really liked him and she didn't want to be with anyone else. He just stared at the floor for a long time. Then asked how log he had to think about this (before she gave up on him). My uncle is a lot more complex than I realize sometimes. I think that for all his show of having no heart at all, he's one of those people who feels things so deeply, that he numbs himself to it so he won't have to hurt. I don't know that they'll work this out, but I hope so.

A man told me once that everyone brings a lot of baggage into every relationship, that everyone has been shattered by the world at some point in thier lives, but the great relationships are the ones where both people can both accept and help eachother pick up the pieces.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Never Saw Blue Like that Before

Today we took a walk -- up the street, and picked a flower
and climbed the hill -- above the lake.
And secret thoughts, were said aloud.
We watched the faces in the clouds,
til the clouds had blown away --and were we ever some where else you know
-- it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before.
Across the sky, around the world.
You're giving me all you have and more.
And no one else has ever shown me how --
to see the world the way I see it now,
oh why, I never saw blue like that

I can’t believe -- a month ago,
I was alone -- I didn’t know you, I hadn't seen, or heard your name.
And even now, I’m so amazed it's like a dream.
it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain.
And some things are the way they are and words just can’t explain

And I never saw blue like that before --
across the sky, around the world.
You're giving me all you have and more.
And no one else has ever shown me how --
to see the world the way I see it now,
oh why, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now, and it feels always, and it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before.
Across the sky, around the world
You're giving me all you have and more.
And no one else has ever shown me how --
to see the world the way I see it now,
oh why, I never saw blue like that before

Oh why -- I never saw blue like that -to hear the song

I spent the evening with a very old friend of mine at a small amusement park here in town. I've known this guy since we were born and we've been best friends for as long as either of us remember. Going to this theme park is an annual tradition of ours, and as the summer was drawing to a close we decided to go ahead and do it. He's a really quiet guy, the youth intern here at the church. The youth loves him and he can do well in crowds but really he prefers solitude. He also tends to come accross rather apathetic. He hates to let anyone know what he is feeling which is a great frustration to me and if not for the fact that I know him so well by now that I already know how he'll react to something before it happens, I'd probably have killed him out of frustration. He holds very high expectations of his friends and is often dissappoined when they can't possibly comply. But for all his frustrating tendencies, he is my best friend. And he has re-estalished my faith in the male species tonight. I had told him some of my experiences with my last boyfriend. He said if he had been there he would have laid him out for ever treating me like that. Kind of endearing in a highly testosterone charged way. I told him I was sorry about getting his little brother in trouble that night. (Andy and I always trade hits but his dad saw him hit me tonight and really tore into him) My friend explained that he and his brother were never allowed to touch girls no matter what the girl does to them. I apologized again and said if I'd known that I would never have hit him back. My friend said,"No he knows better, You see in my family, we believe girls are precious, and you should always treat them as such." I know all you rabid feminists out there are groaning, but it's really refreshing to have guys like this out there. I have a very good friend. He makes me see the world in a whole new light. And I don't believe I have any friend more loyal to me than him. He may not seem like it sometimes, but he's always there, usually in the background looking out for me.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Blast from the Past

Went school shopping today! I love new clothes but I hate shopping, especially wth certain siblings who must view every article in a store under a miscroscpe, try on every size then not buy anything until this process has been repeated in all the other stores in the mall.
I'm more of a walk in, see something I like, find my size, and go buy it. Plus I was half starved. I like how the 70's styles are coming back in. It makes me want to save my old clothes for my kids so that they can have them the next time they come back into style. (However Writer (powder blue leisure suits are never coming back)

Went into Kohl's today and was mobbed by the on staff make-up artist. I'm guessing my blatant disregard for makeup on most days had me picked as an emergency. His name was James. He wears makeup. Everyday. His favorite thing in the world to do is line lips. Though actually this guy is brilliant. You would never guess that he wore makeup. Still, something kinda wierds me out about a guy who can do his makeup better than me.

Well here's a little trivia. I came across an old poem today written on a mothers day card. See if the style seems familiar.

Here I sit in the moonlight,
Deserted by women and men,
I keep saying over and over,
"I'll never eat onions again!"

On the cover is an apron and in the pocket is a note that says,"I promise to be nicer better."

50 points to whoever recognizes the ingenious writer of this work. hehe

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Stupid Things Guys Say or Do

1.) You should start running. (cmon guys, you shouldn't answer if we ask you if we're fat, so you surely shouldn't volunteer it)
2.)Whoa! What happened to you?
3.)Whose dress is that? I sure hope its not my girlfriends, its hideous. (maybe you should find out who owns it first)
4.)(Upon seeing his date drink her third glass of water) wow, I sure hope there's a bathroom at the park. (...need I comment?)
5.)(during an attempt to prevent a breakup) Don't worry I'm not going to take you out into a field and shoot you or anything. (Where in my purse is the pepper spray?...)
6.) Yeah I like you. I see us as just great friends. No, I do like you. I like you only as one of my best friends. But I like you. (ARGHGHHGHGH!!!!!! WHATS YOUR PROBLEM? MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES?!)
7.) Wow I saw your mom today and she is really pretty I mean , practically glowing. (... Yeah you should meet my shrink, she's quite a looker too)
8.)It's not that I don't trust you , I just don't trust him. ( Say this line again and you die!!you lying coward.)
9.)I actually wanted to date your best friend before I started dating you. (hmmm honesty is the best polic does not apply here, if you're stupid enough to volunteer this well, prepare to be castrated)
10.) THE ALL-TIME WORST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY SAY: What's your problem? are you like on your period or something? (Even if we aren't you will have serious doubts when we are finished with you, there is never a time no matter how truthful it is that you can voice this.)