Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm a facebook addict!

Ahhh! Just sitting her eating my chicken curry and playing with my facebook. I love fridays! The only sad thing about today is that Lucas went home for the weekend. I know its only like three days, but when you have a friend who your accustomed to seeing everyday and then they say they have to go home for the weekend your stomach just sinks.

I have recently been sucked into facebook. For those of you who want to waste your life online just check out www.facebook.com. I have been connected with almost 50 of my high school buddies and 52 of my college buddies, you can go online and just look them up and then it tells you when thier birthdays are or you can leave them messages. Idk just lots of stuff. It's actually how i met my two cousins here at school. Through facebook. Kinda sad really since we are on the same campus. In my defense I had met them both before unknowingly. Anyway, facebook has consumed this campus. I wonder how long this fad will last.

My roomie went on a retreat this weekend so I'm headed over to a friends house for girls night tonight! I have the most awsome girlfriends ever. I am in the same club with some of them but i plan on ranting about my club later so we will move on. Oh but guess what dad? Those little tortilla things with cream cheese and hotsauce that you used to make for christmas parties were a huge hit at the last mixer, they didnt make it thru the first 10 minutes.

Speaking of dads, My christian home project this next few weeks is that Ihave to interview 5 males of the opposite sex. I ask them stuff about their families, future hopes, old hurts, what they want their future family and spouse to be like, and their spiritual life. It gets really personal and I am a little irritated at our teachers thinly disguised attempt to help us to find a good husband, but I am actually enjoying this project immensly. It is interesting to see how boys are affected by their family. I have interviewed 3 guys so far and what I find really intriguing in a very disheartening sort of way is that their are two answers that the guys all said the same thing on, and you could really see how much it still troubled them. 1.) One thing I wish my dad had said more to me was..., and 2.) I sometimes feel like my father would have loved me more if..., and every one of the guys got very quiet and answered "I'm proud of you" and "if I had been more 'manly'" and it makes me just want to smack some emotionally stupid fathers out there. Its something that still so obviously weighs so deeply on these guys and they are some of the most amazing christian young men that I know. It makes me so thankful that my own father never hesitated to tell us kids how much he loved us and that he was proud of us. He didn't pressure my brother to be more "manly" but just accepted him. I don't think parents realize how much their words and opinions can mean to their child. I wonder what my kids would say about me if they ever took this interview someday. ( Ihave no kids, but hypothetically) I pray that they never doubt that I love them and am proud of them. So for all you fathers, or potential fathers out their, think about it. If you want a strong son then give him a loving and secure relationship. Be intentional as parents, its one of the greatest oppurtunities/ministries that God can give you. Our next segment deals with parents I think. We have to send them a sheet to fill out with fun questions like: I have been praying that God would..., or One thing I wish I could take back.... Then I think we have to write them letters. That should be interesting. One thing I have liked about this class is that as we talk, I realize there are no brady bunch families. But the next segment I think has the whole class scared. Whose parents will actually write back? Who will forget? and if they do remember what will they write? Bring on the cheese graters.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Game Day

I guess I'll join Kara and Ram in their thanksgiving day ball game plans. I have been recruiting. My roomie Candy and my friend Gabe are coming down for thanksgiving. Gabe's more into soccor but he's fast and Candy can tackle. (I figure she can use Kara's new stategy) Now that we are older and the uncles no longer find us holing onto their ankles cute I figured we should try to think of some new stategy. Personally I think the uncles have been cheating for years and that we need an unbiased person to ref the game from now on. Also I think they will be more reluctant to play rough with people who aren't related. Candy is like 110 pounds and can probably cry on cue if need be. As a whole, I think this could be a good game year for us. When do we get those play books ram? (If nothing else I figure we're bound to win somewhere in the next 10 years...)

Friday, September 23, 2005

Catch Me

These past few days have been a little stressful. A lot stressful, and in the midst of that I have so many friends who need encouragement and friends who need favors. My grades are slipping, and I'm not getting much sleep. I have a campaign to raise money for, no money for school, gas, food etc... I've gotten so busy that I feel my habits are starting to annoy my suite and I don't have time to sit down and talk with them about it. I'm sick and I can't keep up with everyone and everything. I feel as though the past week or so I've been teetering on the edge of control and yesterday I lost it.I can't make everymeeting, or mediate every one of my friends friendships with other people, and I don't have enough time to properly encourage them. And quite frankly, I'm discouraged. I took a make up test that I studied for for two hours yesterday. I didnt know half of what was on it. He told us to study stuff that he didnt even include on the test. I left one page completely blank and just left because I was so close to tears. I made it about half way back to my dorm before I started crying. I want to be a good friend, and a good student, but so many things are going on right now and I haven't had time to sit down and explore them and I haven't been giving the best of my day to time with God in prayer. Which could explain a lot of my anxiety. God has a way of simplifying things when you obey him. And I selfishly began to wonder,"where is my friend to pick me up?". And I began to complain to God and tell him i didnt think I could do this.
And then my cell phone rang. My friend Kyle who is much like my big brother here on campus said,"hey, where are you, I made you some dinner, I'm on my way over to pick you up." So he showed up at my dorm and knew immediatly that I'd had a rough day. He said that Julie and Ryan and him (people we were going to eat with) had had a rough day too and that everyone was having a wallowing party at his house so I should fit right in. lol. We got there and he fixed me a plate and he and helped with my homework, and then sat and talked with me for an hour or more.
When I was through venting he said probably what I needed most to hear. Kyle is one of those really honest friends who doesn't mince words, but he's kind as well. He told me once that real friends stab you in the chest and not the back. lol. Meaning that a true friend will tell you the truth to your face. he said" you aren't in the middle of this problem, you are the problem. Stop worrying over it and give it some time to work itself out. You will be just fine. And you know if you ever need anything I've got your back." I felt a lot better as I got back to my dorm. Sometimes you don't really need advice so much as these to things: 1.) To know that you'll be o.k 2.) and to know you aren't alone.
Another friend called in tears last night and asked me if I ever just wanted to be held. No strings attached, just held. I know exactly how that feels. I think it also tells a person they aren't alone and they will be o.k. So give someone a big hug today.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Men in My Life

Well my last few entries may have had a rather derrogatory slant when it comes to men. But I am not a rabid feminist and I dont hate "mankind". I've actually had a lot of great men in my life.
My Dad for one, he grew up in a family with 5 brothers and still managed to raise 3 girls without going completely crazy. I can alsways count on him to rescue me if I need it but he's trusting enough to let me try to learn for myself and waits till I ask for his help.

My friend Shad, who reminds me not to take myself too seriously and helps me to let go and just have fun. He showed me how to be happy even in bad situations and that you can find a friend in any place any time.

My two past youth ministers, who survived my "youth minister boot camp" with out yelling or slapping me. hehe. i deserved it. And they still talk to me today.

My friend Quentin, who likes to explore life's oddities with me. Convinced me that I was just fine in a time when all I could see were my flaws and made me believe I truly could do whatever I wanted with God's help and hard work.

Pretty much all the men in my family, who have been an amazing example of what a dependable and responsible man is who takes care of his family. My grandad, my uncles, etc. (this includes Beef, the only my cousin my age, who gave me someone to argue with in Amarillo, ithink i've finally come to terms that I'll never be older than you, or stronger probably, or any of the other things I thought of to fight over. hehe)

L, who makes me think more about everything, be more kind to people, and is always there for me no matter what. He's seen the good and bad in me and still loves me anyway.

My bear Cuddle Witt Junior, who's shoulder I have cried on many times over the years. And yes he's here with me at college, you just dont throw friends like that away.

I've been very blessed.

Monday, September 19, 2005

And the Stupidity Continues...

mmchief34: so whan are we going to hook up me and you
ClaraSlvr: lol i havent talked to you in forever
mmchief34: i know
mmchief34: but i still think about that
mmchief34: hey remember that picture you sent me one time?
ClaraSlvr: was I in a tree?
mmchief34: no
ClaraSlvr: where was I?
mmchief34: you were dressed real nice
mmchief34: at some kind of competition
ClaraSlvr: lol oh yeah Model UN
ClaraSlvr: I miss doing that
mmchief34: i was wondering if you can send it to me again i have a knew email and i cant get into my old one anymore
mmchief34: do you mind
ClaraSlvr: I don't have it any more
mmchief34: how about the tree one
ClaraSlvr: it was a forward on an email my coach sent me
ClaraSlvr: ummm also dont have that
mmchief34: oh
mmchief34: hey how do you spell your name i was putting your number into my phone that other day i forgot how to spell it so i put claraslvr
ClaraSlvr: what is my name?
mmchief34: you dont know
ClaraSlvr: lol i want to see if you still do
mmchief34: katie
mmchief34: am i right
ClaraSlvr: nope
mmchief34: sorry
ClaraSlvr: ya me too
mmchief34: why are you sorry
ClaraSlvr: kinda sad to forget the name of someone you dated dont y think
ClaraSlvr: Marcos
mmchief34: look i liked you for you not for your name
mmchief34: forgive me
ClaraSlvr: How old am I?
mmchief34: that aint fair
ClaraSlvr: Where am I from?
mmchief34: i know that you dont like being lied to
mmchief34: and i am sorry i dont remember that other stuff

...Do I just come accross as stupid? I mean really? I've been told I'm naive alot. I guess I would agree with that at moments, but I am not STUPID! (most of the time anyway, I have my moments) Other stuff?! Personally I consider my name a rather important part of who I am. Arrrhggg. I pity my sons if I have any when I get older because they are going to get an earfull before I permit them to date. I think I will go before I start to rant.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Stupid Things Guys Say or Do

Proposal replies that indicate things are finished:

1.) I'm a lesbian. (This is a rejection. A major one, not an invitation.)
2.) How much of my tuition do you think this ring would cover? (also a good indication that there is something missing from the relationship.)
3.) Laughter followed by ...Are you serious?... (pick up what ever self-esteem you have left and laugh with her and leave, quickly)

Proposal mistakes:

1.) Don't buy a ring and inform your beloved of it if you arent at least dating. (this leaves a feeling of one being stalked.)
2.) Don't use the same ring from a failed earlier proposal. (Call me crazy but girls just get rubbed the wrong way by this one)
3.) Don't propose to her room-mate right after she has turned you down. (As a matter of fact, just stop, no girl with an I.q. would marry a guy like you anyway)

I used to think that a marraige proposal would be magical and romantic, and you get the impression when your little that you will only get one and it will be from the guy you intend to marry. Then you get older and realize, women wrote all those disney movies, and real guys are involved. Sad day.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Just Breathe

It was a great day! I didnt get much sleep last night due to yet another frustrating night of explaining why I won't date. But I treated myself to a double shot of expresso this morning and I;ve felt wonderful all day. I try not to drink much caffeine if any cause it gives me heart palpitations. But that only happens when I get pretty stressed, and I am doing just fine so far. So any way, my system reacts pretty quickly to caffeine if I do get it. Pretty sure I bombed my first Stats test. Sad day, but life goes on. Its just one of those days where nothing can get you down. Which is exactly what i've needed.
I 've felt pretty heartsick lately. I had so many questions and no one to answer them. I finally fell apart on my prayer group last night. I felt like such a baby, but one of the girls seemed to know exactly what was getting to me and when it was my turn to ask for prayers, she asked the one question I'd been trying not to think about and I just broke down. I feel stupid for being upset over it when I know its best. But I can't help but feel once its done that we failed. And can someone please tell me how you can decide to not love someone? Because to me its the hardest thing in the world to do. i know its possible and its heartbreaking but I guess I don't understand why someone would do it. And I wonder what I will tell the people who depend on me when they ask the same thing. And I'm angry at how it has become a cross roads in my life. I will think of things as in "before" or "after" the event. But mostly I'm just sad. I've been sad, but it finally caught up with me. And I am so perfectly frustrated. I ended the whole spill asking why no one had any answers for me when it happens so often? And last night I just bawled. BUt my group has to be the greatest bunch of girls ever. They stopped group right there and circled around and prayed over me. And I found my answer. They reminded me how much God loved me and that while things seemed so bad that God sees everything from the vantage of eternity and he would take care of everything.
And so today I woke up, and I am o.k. again. And I was so happy today. I have been very blessed. I got to spend some time with my best friend today. And in the middle of the conversation they just up and say, "you look really pretty today, you know that?" and my first thought was,"Because I am so happy".

Monday, September 12, 2005

Let's Talk

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause
I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and
I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk
Let's talk, let's ta-a-alk

Not much to say, (ironic). Heres my past few days. I miss certain friends, alot. I'm tired of hurting over C. When does that end? Why does it last so long?

Monday, September 05, 2005

So.....

So who do you tak to about guys, when your best friend is the guy you like? I have to be the stupidest girl ever.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Getting my MRS. degree

hehe, bet that title will grab my dad's attention. I had a very relaxing day today, up until I met my suite mate's grandparents. Somewhere during my life time I developed this idea that grandparents are these really sweet elderly people who make you cookies and give you money and generally spoil you. And I was also raised to respect my elders, but today I met the first set that I ever cared to yell at. (don't worry I didn't, berating octagenarians isn't really my style)
This couple brought us some curtains Becca's mom had made for us and some supplies to take with us for our relief team thats going to New Orleans. So I said hi, introduced my self and whatnot. Naturally as in any convo with adult strangers now that I'm in college we all come to a lull in the conversation and the first new topic they think of is: What's your major? actually here let me just dictate the convo to you. old man= C, old woman=L
..........................................................................................................
c: Well, L, just look at her, we need to give her some money to go buy some jeans. mmmm mmm mmm holes everywhere.
L: Oh C, you can actually buy them with holes in them (i considered telling them I had before) You would know that if youd go shopping with me more
C: You want me to buy you a pair of those? With holes all in them?
L: (polite, akward silence while L glances nervously at me in my holey jeans)
C: so uh... you have any idea what you plan to study
Slvr: Missions actually
C: oh... So your here to marry a missionary (as he glances at me with a "i doubt any boy will want a girl in holey jeans" look)
Slvr: (forced laughter) No. I'm here to be a missionary, I have several mission organizations in mind.
C: oh well, don't ever marry a native (L giggles, I still don't get it) So what kind of classes do you take in your major?
Slvr: oh...missionary principles, missions anthropology, church planting, greek...stuff like that
C: No class about how to find a good christian man? They should have some sort of class like that for you.
Slvr:(What!? do i look like I need help or something? I'm really close to losing it at this point. Why is it so impossible to comprehend that women can help spread the gospel even if they aren't married?) (I briefly considered telling them I was a lesbian at this point, just to watch them wriggle in disgust, or yank out cross necklaces and loudly repeat the lords prayer while backing towards the door. But my suite mates were in the room and it would probably make things akward.)( I just stared dumbly at him)
C: What about home Ec. Have you taken Home ec?
Slvr:uh... no... I have to go study now (Hah, and my parents used to say that nothing ever comes of procrastination)
........................................................................................................
So ya, there we go. I am glad i'm a girl. really iam. But sometimes like today it really sucks. I don't need a man in order to be "complete". My mind can handle concepts beyond place settings. I am not made of glass. I refuse to wake up for the next 50 years and know that my biggest task for the day is getting dinner on the table by five. And, above all else, I DON'T HAVE TO BE A MAN TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT JESUS. Being a woman doesn't make me weak or stupid or voiceless unless I let it. I'd like to see that old man squeeze 5 kids out of a vagina like his poor wife and still treat women like they are weak. Well, I'm starting to rant. Guess I'll go cool off.