Saturday, January 28, 2006

January 24

Today I will dare to be myself, to be honest-I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or want what I do not want.

"This above all:to thine ownself be true."
~William Shakespeare

Thursday, January 26, 2006

My mind is going everywhere tonight. I am just going to type whatever comes into my head. This has been atruly horrible day/week/semester thus far. Only most of the time I don't want to upset people by letting them know how upset I am. I dont want to think about it myself. I don't know how to deal with things. I just kind of muddle through blindly, hoping the whole time that things will get better but having no tangible reason to believe that. I just have to believe it.Because I don't know what I would do if I don't. PLus I hate being unhappy. I'm no good to anyone like that. BUt the truth is right now, i'm more than a little unhappy. I'm numb. I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost a week and a half. I've eaten a total of five complete meals,or at least half of whats on my plate. I have no apetite. I take one or two bites and I feel sick. ANd I don't want to throw up so I stop. And I'm hungry all the time now. And I'm scared because I enjoy the hunger pains. Because I can't feel very much how upset I am, but when my body aches I come close to it. My body is in pain for me. That's twisted I know. I know all of this is messed up. I can see how its starting to affect me. I broke down crying on one of my guy friends last night, and then another today. I hate crying. It feels so week. Usually if I cry I cry silently. But today I was very close to all out sobbing. Nothing seems to comfort me lately. i have so many amazing friends but the two I broke down crying on have been the most helpful for two reasons.The first one reminded me that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, God is in control and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME. And the second because instead of saying, " it's ok" or "its going to be ok" he said, "IT'S OK TO CRY" and I realized thats my problem. I still want to appear strong and unmoved. I can't just allow myself to feel the way I really feel. So it eats away at me.I want to go some where and just scream. I never scream. I never yell. I'm generally a very quiet person. I'mnot o.k.right now. I don't know that things will be ok later. All I want to be right now is sad. Just for right now. Tell me things will be ok tomorrow. maybe I'll believe you then. Things usually are ok in the long run simply because life goes on whether you want it to or not. But tonight, I'mnot going to pretend that everything's o.k.

Monday, January 23, 2006

On My Own

Now I know I'm on my own
These conversations all gone cold
I wish that I told you when I knew
I knew

Now you know what's on my mind
and you see through this disguise
with the beauty pulled away
I hide my face,pretend that its ok

If I only knew that I was wrong
perhaps we'd be ok
baby I'll be fine

Now you know I'm on my own
my own

It's been a crazy weekend and the more it went into it, the more sure I was that I am going about some things the wrong way. I have trouble disliking people who are cruel to me, so when it seems that I have to stop liking a person who I have no reason to not like, I'm finding it more difficult than I'd hoped.And as much as I distract myself, this new expansion in my life can't successfully masquerade as truth to me. But these things take time right? Can you just choose not to like some one? Or is the best you can hope for is to keep pressing them far enough back in your mind until you've forgotten how they got there in the first place? And yet, none of this seems right to me.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
Make me a storybook

Write me away from here
I need a different now

Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow a smile
I'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...

Once upon these days

Yeah, it's going to be one of those semesters.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Chivalry is not Dead!

I was talking to my friend Joey last night about how it is hard to find gentlemen any more when you are dating. Specifically gentlemen in the fact that they clearly state their intentions before attempting to date you.

This was brought on my a particularly sticky situation I had fallen into a few minutes before.This guy who I have continously told for mor than a semester now that I don't want to date keeps asking me on un-dates (date-like activities without the title). Last night he asked if I would go watch a movie with him on his laptop this weekend. Here's the problem, you can't turn a guy down until you now what it is you are turning him down on. I panicked and asked Candy what I had going on this weekend and she said a group of people were going to LIttle rock to go skating. So I had this brilliant plan. Unfortunatley my brilliant plans historically turn into disasters rather quickly. SInce I had been making excuses not to see guy 1 for months I invited him to this seemingly safe GROUP activity. Safe that is until I quit talking to guy 1 and told Candy my brilliant plan. Candy just kinda stared at me and asked me if I remembered this guy I met playing cards with last weekend. Apparently he is going skating too and since I had JOKINGLY told Candy I thought I had a crush on him, (JOKINGLY being the key word here). Candy had taken it upon herself to set us up.He's a nice guy, he is. I don't even know his last name or his major, or anything about him really but I'm pretty sure he won't appreciate the presence of guy 1.

So I've been thinking all day of how to fix this and I hadn't came up with anything. I told my predicament to my friend Shelby at dinner and he laughed and said,"Well I could come and tell everyone how I'm going to spend every second with you and make it three!" He was joking of course. And he laughed again after he said it. I didn't. Which made us both laugh. So I asked him if he would like to go ice skating.he said if he had the money for it he would. I love Shelby! Now I have an ally! IS this a bad idea? I think it is good but am I missing something? Gosh, it's amazing that when you least want to date everyone else is suddenly interested. I'm really glad for my guy friends like Shelby who are honestly just that, guy friends.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

Monday, January 16, 2006


A collage
whirlwind of witnesses
an exposition
parading your fickleness

like that night on the bridge
pouring words at my feet
enticing me to believe
stirring my trust

acknowledge me
my arm extended
while I hide my face

Don't look!
upon second thought
I'd rather starve
than feast on your inconstancy

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Pictures on a Wall

I spent so much of my life defining myself as strong, as brave, weathering out storms in my life that have fed my nightmares for years. But I am afraid of everything. Shouldn't going through those things have made me strong? Instead I feel paralyzed with indecision because the consequences are always so hefty that making the wrong choice could be catastrophic in my eyes. I don't know what I like or dislike. I like what the "right people" tell me I should. But I don't really.

I climbed onto the cafeteria roof a few nights ago. You had to start by climbing up onto the roof of the Security office, then because of construction you have about 5 to 7 levels of scaffolding to climb before walking to the end of it and jumping accross a gap to the cafeteria roof. I noticed a ladder screwed onto the side of the scaffolding about 2 levels up so me and two other girls who were climbing decided to go up that. It wasn't secured very well. About halfway up you can feel it move and the last level it sways with you as you climb.I started up that ladder twice before I finally went. The other two had gone on ahead and I suddenly realized if I didn't suck it up I was going to be left behind and I would regret it. I think I may have vertigo. Not really. But I always have a strong desire to lean too far or to let go in high places, not to mention that the metal was freezing and I was in flip flops. But I think making it to the top and onto the roof was the happiest I've been so far this semester.

I'm tired of being afraid to try. I'm tired of being afraid of failing. I want to play my flute again, for me this time. I spent break learning different styles of dance. Even break dancing some with Shad. I think I suck at it. I don't really care. I want to paint a thousand horible paintings and not consider it a waste. Painting for me was not always about the subject anyway. When I paint I slip into some space in my mind where I am completely and utterly at peace. I want to major in art and missions. yeah I want to spend 80 thousand dollars on two seemingly worthless majors. Or so everyone seems to think. But so what? Better that than waking up 40 years from now realizing I've only half-lived my life.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Hey guys! Sorry about the last post, i'm fine, I was just having a bad night. Classes are going to be pretty good this semester I believe. A lot of work though so I don't think I'll be able to post for a while. But I'll definatly check on how yall are doing from time to time. Love you guys and miss you all.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown [4x]

-Death Cab for Cutie

I have a tendency to live my life vicariously. It can be anything. I am embarrassed with characters in the books I read when they mess up. My family used to watch me watch movies because I tended to mirror the charaters emotions without realizing it. Maybe its just empathy. Whatever it is I feel it so strongly sometimes. I've had a good break over all, but some of the experiences and ideas and emotions have come at me so fast that I just want to lock down. I seemed to have only made some situations worse because my stupid face betrays every thought and emotion before I can slow my head down enough to mask them. I used to be so much better at it. But I get tired of pretending, It has to be one or the other with me. I either hide myself comlpetely or in juxteposition, expose myself. Neither are good singularly within themselves. And it frustrates me to no end. I want to withdraw from relationshipd and delete all these stupid blog/xanga/livejournal things. They are such a cheap way to learn about a person anyway. I can read about Jesus all day long in the bible but what does it even matter if I have no relationship with him? None of this is really making any sense anymore.