Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Dating Game.

I like this guy Jack. He likes me back. convenient, and it that rhymes kind of. So you meet a guy, find out you like each other, then the natural next step would be...going on a date with his big brother...
Yet again the possibility of a normal relationship eludes me.
It wasn;t supposed to be a date. I told him I'd go to his function just as friends. He said he was fine with it. But later when he was talking to two mutual friends they asked him who he was taking to the function and he said, "Kacey". Rob said,"whoa! how'd you get a date with Kacey?"(I think people mistake my shyness for being somewhat stuckup) to which Jack's brother replied,"I just asked" He didn't correct it at all. So now my these guys think 1.) I went on a date with Jack's brother, and 2.) I date. I'm not opposed to dating per se, I just haven't felt much like it this year. And now thanks to the fact that this conversation was held in front of Rob and his big mouthed friend...
Oh and what about Jack you wonder? It's his own fault, if he had told his brother about us liking eachother from the start his brother might never have asked me.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

I'm not sorry anymore. I didn't do anything wrong. Now I'm just mad.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I could feel it go down

bittersweet i could taste in my mouth

silver lining the clouds

and i

i wish that i could work it out

everything i know is wrong

everything i do it just comes undone

and everything is torn apart

oh and thats the hardest part

thats the hardest part

Have you ever tried with all your might to do what's best in a situation, what would inflict the least amount of pain, only to watch it blow up in your face?If it were only me, I might have done it differently, but there are so many other factors, and now I may have destroyed the very thing I was trying so hard to save. I've come so close thousands of times to just giving it all away, I hate how things have been thses past two weeks in certain situations. Yet I know that I did the best I could with what I knew. Somehow that doesn't offer much comfort right now.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

An Immovable Feast

I had a relapse with my bulimia this past week. I'm not sure I can pinpoint a reason why. I'm very blessed though to have some really good friends here at school who are great encouragers. I had been really closeto a year without throwing up and my fear had been that I didn't know that I wanted to stop now that I had started again. I wouldn't want to do it forever just until I felt better again.But I can't do that. I can't pray when I do this. And while I feel so much better afterwards, there is still a part of me that acknowledges that I'm lying to myself.

I went to a recovery group meeting this friday. I thought it might help. In a way it did but probably not the way they intended. My group was for E.D.'s, chemical addictions and abuse victems. I had seen a woman accros the corridor when I walked in and had thought for a moment how nice it would be to be that thin and then not have to worry about it. She was in my group. When I saw her up close I felt very differently. Her skin was very thin and tight and wrinkled. On her arms was the light fuzz that grows on an anorexic when she's been below weight for too long, three inches long. The hair on her head was falling out. I was overwhelmed by how much pain there was in that one room. I tried to imagine how all those women must have looked at one time. How beautiful they must have been, how beautiful they might become if they weren't hurting so badly.

I thought that attending group would energixe me and get me pumped up and ready to beat my sickness again. It had the opposite effect. I left there feeling more tired than I have in years. Not sleepy, weary. I grew tired of myself, but in a different time this way. All the things I was sick of about myself weren't lies this time. I'm sick of this disorder. I'm tired of hurting. And everypart of me seems to be screaming for some redemption because I don't want to be like this anymore. I feel alone in this alot. I feel inadequate for the task before me. And I'm probably right but I'm not going to be afraid of myself anymore. God can do amazing things, and I am never really alone.