Thursday, August 31, 2006

Koru

My accountability group commented tonight that I seem the happiest I've been since the beginning of freshman year. I hadn't really thought about it but that's probably true. Things are finally getting on track. I am getting close to 6 hours of sleep and I have time to eat. I haven't missed chapel or any of my classes nor have I fallen behind on any of my homework. I'm looking for a job, there is no drama, and while there is alot to get done, I'm not to worried about it. It will fall into place.
Things with Jack are going really well. I've never met a guy quite like him. He is spiritually sound, never gets jealous and is dependable. After about two months (if I actually make it that far) in any relationship I start to scare easily for no good reason, but Jack doesn't seem to be phased. There are no rules or real expectations. I told him about some guys over the summer who attend Harding, one of whom is his friend, who were hitting on me, and he treats them no differently, and he isn't jealous. He's incredibly secure in this relationship. He trusts me to handle things. It's not that he's apathetic, he offers to help if I want it, he just understands that I'd rather do these things myself. Still, everyonce in a while I start to doubt that anyone can really be like that and go out of my way to test him. He's been really patient with me. I told him one night that I didn't want to trust him and he just said that was o.k. That I didn't have to tell him anything I didn't want to and that he wasn't going anywhere. Another time after he told me that he cared about me I told him I didn't believe him, and just as unphased, he just said that was fine, we had time and he'd prove it to me everyday till I did. When I asked what he wanted from me in this relationship he only asked for three things:
1.) loyalty
2.) that I inconvenience him as much as possible
3.) and that instead of comparing him to past boyfriends, that I would compare him to my ideal guy becasue I deserve better than the other guys I've dated, and better than him.
I've been really blessed.
The only thing that puts a damper on any of this is Lucas. He said we'd hang out again, that things would get better. But they haven't. I raninto him with some mutual friends the other day. I gave the other two hugs but not him. I was friendly, I just didn't feel like being very close to him. The thing is: He's never missed me enough to actually do something about it, and I'm tired of missing him. I gave him a year to get it together. I can't keep this going on my own anymore. I'll always be here if he needs something, I'm just not going to beg him for something he can't give anymore.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Strangers

"Nickel Creek Somebody More Like You lyrics"

I didn't hear you say you're sorry
The fault must be mine
I wish you all the best of luck
At finding somebody more like you

You said you'd love me always, truly
I must have changed
Cause you don't need me like you used to
I hope you find somebody more like you

I hope you finally find someone
Someone that you trust
And give them everything
I hope you meet someone your height
So you can see eye-to-eye
With someone as small as you

I keep running into Chris everywhere. Last night I apologized for how bitter things have gone down. Naturally he gave his usual snide "it's all your fault and I'm the victim" response, careful to get in as many digs as possible. I let him know that I thought that it was a good idea to pretend we never knew eachother and to not talk. As awkward as it will be to pretend that, he still reads me too well and talking to him would only entice him to play more mind games with me. Still would it kill him to act like an adult and take some responsibility sometimes?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

...

Note to self:I don't handle long distance well. So I waited and realized that I was completely wrong about a lot of things. No shootings will be required. :P

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I've come to a point where I've realized I'm somewhere I don't want to be. I'm not talking about camp per se, I love it here, but as far as my life is concerned, I had felt like everything was falling perfectly in place, but it isn't right. I mean I got exactly what I wanted only to realize it's not really what I want. But I'm so tangled up in everything now and I keep hitting brick walls. I could completely sever
everything in these areas but it will turn me into a mess and a lot others as well.But I can't stay here either.
I'm ready to go back to school
bleh